Insiders' Divorce Advice
with permission by author Diana Mercer,
co-Author of Making Divorce Work.
So here's the inside scoop. I've been a divorce attorney for 23 years
and as a result, every single one of my friends (both actual friends,
and Facebook friends) ask me for my advice when they're facing a
When I have friends who are getting divorced, and they ask me for
advice, here's what I tell them. The real deal, the confidential,
back-channel skinny. Beyond legal advice, which they can get anywhere.
These are my top tips for staying out of trouble:
Ignore Legal Smack Talk from Your Spouse:
I love that spouses try and give each
other legal advice. Really? Since when did your spouse go to law school
and become a divorce lawyer? And you're listening? Heck, even if they're
dishing out good advice, it pays to double check.
Question "My Friend Said": If your spouse talks about friends' divorces or
what the lawyer plans on doing to you legally, ask:
How many years did that friend's divorce take?
• How much did it cost?
• How much did your lawyer say that taking me to the cleaners would
cost in legal fees?
• Is your lawyer willing to put it in writing that they guaranteed that
their result will be better than what I'm prepared to offer voluntarily?
You're safe with that last one---no lawyer would guarantee anything or
put fees in writing so this will force your spouse to have an honest
discussion with the lawyer about the pros and cons of pursuing any given
Watch Out For Non-Monetary Games: Keep an eye out for your spouse manipulating the
kids. Make sure your bond with them remains strong. Don't bad-mouth your
spouse---your kids will figure that out later and hate you, so keep the
long term in mind.
Your spouse may think he or she is plotting and being strategic like
some sort of Divorce 007. But at the end of the day, it's a business
deal and a parenting plan. It is what it is. So don't let your
imagination run away with you.
You can keep costs (and suspicion, and plotting) down by:
1. Being organized.
Make a notebook with labeled dividers with all of the financial records
(recent ones, at least) and tax returns (as many as you have copies of),
a comparative market analysis (free from any realtor) of the value of
your house, your most recent pay stub...and ideally you'll make your
spouse a notebook, too.
know that might sound crazy (making your adversary a notebook) but your
spouse's attorney will charge for making a notebook and getting the
records together (which could run up the bill by several thousand
dollars) so if you can take the wind out of those sails from the get go
(your spouse is entitled to all that info pursuant to law anyway) and
all of the mystery out of your financial situation, you're ahead of the
Don't get paralyzed by your emotions. It's easy to sit down with a hole
punch and a notebook and put stuff in by date. You don't need all your
faculties to do that, so it's a good activity for when you're feeling
2. Staying Sane.
Make appointments with your therapist, make time for your kids (and
don't talk about your spouse), play golf or ride bikes (ideally with
your kids), make time with friends. Take care of yourself. Eat right and
3. Don't taking the bait:
Your spouse will say stuff to you just to get you
riled up. Ignore it. "Obviously, this is a hot topic for both of us, so
I'm not going to respond at this point. I do hope we can work all of
this out, though, at some point." Then change the subject. Say that as
many times as you have to.
Eventually, your spouse will get bored when it's clear you aren't going
to fight back. This will freak your spouse out a little, particularly at
first, so feel free to chuckle. When you start to behave differently
than you have over the last eleventy-million years they're going to
wonder what's up and watching that might be a little amusing as the old
tricks don't work on you anymore.
4. Find that Special Someone--Quietly: If you decide you want to date, don't
let anyone find out about it. Not under any circumstances. Your spouse
will go bananas if you're with someone else, so avoid that at all costs.
It doesn't matter if it's your spouse who suggested the divorce or found
a new lover first. They still go nuts when they see you've moved on,
too. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm saying don't let anyone find out.
is the co-author of
Making Divorce Work:
8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Perigee
2010). Join the conversation and community on our
and check out Diana's divorce blog on the
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